Sitting here at 1am I am filled with fear at the thought of another night of PAIN, MISERY, GUILT, SELFISHNESS and WORTHLESSNESS. I shall expand on each of these further down but let me first grab just a few happy memories of the life I miss so dearly.
For the past 40 years I have had many health issues, including a severe whip lash which has left me with neck problems, “woman’s problems” resulting in four operations, 3 operations for various other conditions, heart problems (still present) plus really too many other minor hospital treatments (sure my husband and Mum could list every single one! as they are the ones picking up the pieces or looking after the home/children). However, even with all the aforementioned I was still full of energy, had a good social network and a highly successful career.
I was able to push myself thought the health setbacks and live a normal family life and considered myself to be no different to the next person. I was able to bring up two wonderful children, memories of which I hold with such joy and just thank god I did not have CRPS when my children were young (how difficult this must be for those that suffer and have a young family).
I was able to work my way up the ladder and managed a fantastic team of 16 staff, in fact work become my life (when my children left home) along with my long suffering husband and Mum.
I was able to face the ‘set backs’ with determination knowing my health issues would be short lived and would be overcome.
Oh how my life has changed since I was diagnosed with CRPS in my right leg. I now no longer work, have lost so much of my social network and a few friends along the way.
Why can’t I overcome this condition? or why is there not a cure for it?
The PAIN is there morning, noon and night, the burning in my back makes it hard to stand or walk, using my crutches leaves me in neck/arm pain and exhausted. The MISERY of “bad days” leaves me feeling GUILTY if I do not get dressed till lunch time. How SELFISH I feel when I cry and moan to my family. How embarrassed I feel when needing help to bath. How WORTHLESS I feel needing my husband to do most of the household chores.
I wish with all my heart that a miracle drug would allow me to push through the pain/condition in the same way that I have in the past. Until that happens I have to find a way through my suffering. Maybe I should start by looking for a brighter tomorrow, maybe I should just begin to start a new chapter for the life I have to accept and maybe I need to look at those less fortunate than I …… For I do have my darling family and what more could I wish for other than to be like the person I used to be.
Note: Of course not all CRPS is as bleak as this blog reads but this is what it is like for me day and night, day after day at this moment in time.
Kim M.